Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put-on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Children obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Bondservants obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality. (Col 3:12–25)
In our previous podcast, we discussed Paul's teaching to wives, instructing them to submit to their husbands in a manner that is appropriate in the Lord. In the following passage, Paul shifts his focus to the husbands and provides a noteworthy commandment, urging them to love their wives and avoid bitterness.
It is worth noting that the primary instruction Paul gives to husbands is to love their wives. In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. He also emphasizes that husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies. Similarly, in Colossians 3, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives and not to be harsh with them.
It is interesting to consider the different approaches Paul takes when addressing wives versus husbands. Throughout his teachings, Paul emphasizes that Christian couples should follow the same basic principles: wives are to respect their husbands, while husbands are to love their wives. In 1 Peter 3, Peter instructs wives to be submissive to their husbands, highlighting the importance of a gentle and quiet spirit. In the same passage, Peter instructs husbands to live with their wives understandingly, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel.
Curious, however, that these instructions are never reversed, with wives being instructed to love their husbands and husbands being taught to respect their wives. This may be because Paul and Peter wrote to cultures where gender roles were already well-established, seeking to bring the Gospel into that context. However, it is important to note that love and respect apply to both genders in a marriage.
One passage that is an exception is in Titus, where Paul instructs older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands by being chaste, discreet, homemakers, and obedient to their own husbands. This is the only text that explicitly addresses women's behaviour without any advice given to men. However, in the same chapter, Paul also instructs older men to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, and sound in faith, love, and steadfastness and to teach younger men to be likewise.
I've considered Paul's teachings regarding men and women. Paul often encourages women to show respect toward their husbands, and in some passages, he tells them to submit to their husbands. This may be because Paul believes that a submission is a form of respect. However, in other passages, Paul tells husbands to love their wives. So, it's not just about the wife respecting her husband but also about the husband loving his wife.
My theory is that men need to feel respected and loved when they are respected. This is not to say that men don't need love, but they tend to view respect as a form of love. When men gather, they respect each other's space, and violating that respect can lead to a hostile relationship.
Paul's teachings are not just concerned with the needs of men but also the needs of women. He knows that for women to honour and respect the spiritual authority and leadership roles that God has placed on their husbands in the home, husbands must truly love their wives. It's a mutual relationship where respect and love are essential for a healthy marriage.
In Colossians 3:18-19, Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives and not be harsh with them. This is one of many passages where Paul talks about the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul goes into greater detail about the relationship between husbands and wives. He again instructs wives to submit to their husbands but also emphasizes that husbands should love their wives sacrificially, just as Christ loved the church.
Research has shown that men report higher satisfaction levels in marriages where they feel respected and appreciated. In comparison, women report higher satisfaction levels in weddings where they feel emotionally connected and loved. One study found that men report greater satisfaction in marriages where they feel respected by their wives. In comparison, women report greater satisfaction in marriages where they feel emotionally connected to their husbands (Davies & Windle, 2000). Another study found that men tend to emphasize physical affection and sexual intimacy in their relationships, while women tend to prioritize emotional intimacy and communication (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010).
While individuals may have different needs and priorities in their relationships, Paul's teachings on marriage acknowledge the importance of respect and love between husbands and wives. For a marriage to thrive, husbands must show sacrificial love towards their wives, and wives must show respect towards their husbands.
In Colossians 3:19, in the original language, the word used for "love" is "agapao," which is a form of the word "agape." Agape love is selfless and sacrificial love that seeks the other person’s highest good, regardless of their actions or feelings towards us.
Paul's instruction for husbands to love their wives with agape love implies that husbands are to love their wives selflessly and sacrificially, putting their wives' needs and desires above their own. This kind of love is not based on the husband's feelings towards his wife but on deliberately choosing to love her in a way that honours and cherishes her.
Practically, this means that a husband who loves his wife with agape love will be willing to make sacrifices for her, such as giving up his desires or preferences for her happiness. He will also seek to understand her needs and wishes and to meet them to the best of his ability. He will treat her with kindness and respect and seek to build her up rather than tear her down. Ultimately, a husband who loves his wife with agape love will seek to imitate Christ's love for his church, which is the ultimate example of sacrificial love. This is a relatively easy concept to understand that is a complicated principle to live by, and the reason for that is because Paul is calling for the husband to imitate Jesus Christ himself. To love without any expectation of anything in return.
Consider the example set before every husband by Jesus, who when cursed, blessed; who, when reviled, did not revile in return; who healed those who condemned Him, shed tears for those who denied Him, and forgave those who crucified Him. This starkly contrasts the cheap mockery and murky shadow of love portrayed by Hollywood. Their version of love is empty, devoid of any real meaning. On the other hand, the love of God is like the purest gold, while Hollywood's version is like a rusted tin knickknacks.
When a man leaves his wife, claiming he no longer loves her, it is clear evidence that he never truly loved her, at least not according to the real love defined by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. The love that God commands husbands to have for their wives would never allow for aggravating, insulting, humiliating, shaming, or beating them. There would be nothing that a wife could do, including infidelity, that would dissuade her husband's love for her. If there is sin, it is the husband, and the greater mandate in this passage is not for the wife to submit and respect her husband (although this is fitting in the Lord), but for the husband to love his wife in a way that lifts her higher than himself. When this happens, it is evidence that Christ lives in that husband.
This morning, my prayer is for myself and every husband who reads this post that we would keep the challenge to love our wives more than ourselves and to lift them up in high esteem, in the same way, that Christ has lifted us above all reproach. There is no reason for any sane woman not to respect such a man.
Comments